I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
