I think I died a long time ago.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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