Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
