I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
