i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
