listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I AM VODKA MAN
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
