If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
