Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
