tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I intend to get homeless drunk
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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