dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
