a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
