Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
