We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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