I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
