Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
