So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Randomize
