I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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