Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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