"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
It's shark week go big or go home
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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