Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
