walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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