next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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