If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
