Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
