Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
