Jerry, you need to find god
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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