Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
