We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
this hospital has no fireball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize