Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
