Rock
Scissors
Fuck
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
