dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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