just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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