Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Shame - the story of my life.
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