I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
