I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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