I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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