Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
