Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
