Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Randomize
