Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize