i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It's rum buckets o'clock
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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