I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
