Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
