we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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