I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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