I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
soo... how was my night?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
