He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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