I think I won the penis lottery.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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