Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
