so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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