Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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