I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
it's like heaven, but drunker
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
