I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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