My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
